The Perfect Week

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks

Someone just asked me what my perfect day would be, and all of a sudden my mind flooded with a hundred different thinks like skiing, flying, riding sportbikes, and sportbike sex.  This was partly because I have been playing and re-playing a video game called Alien Legacy all morning, until the space ships cryogenics system exploded and I got pissed and rage quit the 15 year old video game.  Anyway, thats why my mind was racing.  Also, if sportbikes could be modified to carry skiis....

So I just wrote down a bunch of tasks, I mean, activities...damn I think I about work a lot.  I noticed some interesting things about these tasks, for example, some have constraints:  flying cannot be done after drinking, or with a hangover (unless you enjoy the non-glamorous version of living dangerously).  Also, some activities, like hangover sex, reading to each other, lounging around a beach house, and something involving body paint that I won't describe, are all special activities in that they can be done the morning after a long night of drinking.  I'm calling them recovery tasks. I mean, activities.  Damn.  Oh, and a Lord of the Rings Movie Marathon would be a good recovery activity too...I'm going to have to revise this itinrary at a later date, once I figure out all the stuff I'm forgetting.  Wow I hate facebook.  I just logged in to read my own profile because is how I keep track of my favorite interests, books, and music, only to find all of the lists empty because facebook doesn't let you have something there unless it links to some gayass page thing that I hate.  I guess I'll have to go at this from memory.

Most of this involves a girlfriend/wife, which I don't have, so in a last-ditch effort to avoid writing this in the second person, I will make up a name...wow.  On my like fifth try pulling random girl names from the U.S. Census data with Evan's script, I got:  Evelyn Phoenix.  WTF  are the chances of that?  So...uh, Evelyn it is.

Day 1:
Evelyn comes over to an apartment filled with a couple hundred dollars worth of playpen balls, or possibly just a pillow fort.  Several hours later we depart for the salsa clubs on either one or two sportbikes.  Maybe we stop for food on the way.  We dance until the clubs shutdown, then go for a late night ride, and then have sportbike sex, preferably near a secluded river but in a private garage otherwise.

Day 2:
We fly to an island that only planes can reach (and boats, obviously).  Such islands exist to justify the usefulness of the light aircraft required to reach them.  We spend that night cooking together, even though that could have been used as a hangover recovery activity.  Then we go for a midnight horse ride on the beach (remember, its an island) and camp somewhere in a "2 person" tent which is really a 1 person tent that we will cram two people into.  Actually, possibly other people could accompany us on the flight (take a whole wing of light aircraft, perhaps?) and the horse ride, but Eve and I need our own tent.  That night we have rope sex.

Alternately: this could be done instead at one of those fly-in campgrounds, and without the island or horses.  Might be easier to achieve that way.

Day 3
We fly out.  Hmmm...might need something for the day time here.  Well, I had "bed w/  rose petals all over it" left over...I guess we could stick that in for the day.  Anyway.  That night is Ketel One night:  we (a bunch of guys) go out to a random bar dressed in tuxes just like in the ketel one commercials with a song by Black Rebel Motorcycle club and a narrator saying "when men were men!" although we won't really be drinking ketel one...maybe Grey Goose on the rocks and a couple of Flaming Dr. Peppers.  At the same time, all the girls go out or a wine bar or whatever.  Later that night, we meet up for the Fine-Ass Lan Party, still in our tuxes/suits.  The Fine-Ass LAN Party will have girls, big screen mario kart (maybe old school mario kart), strip guitar hero duel (preferably with some kind of rule where guys have to keep their pants on, or at least their boxers), starcraft, classic unreal tournament, a fireplace, a web bar, no smelly or annoying people and we will also be playing poker.  I feel like a nice game of Texas Holdem with a $5 buy in would raise the profile of a LAN Party to something normal people can appreciate.  Maybe we'll even allow flip cup--but NO BEER PONG.  Could possible have a web cam running;  its purpose would be to make other people jealous of us.

Day 4
The next morning, recovering from the mild hangovers will involve Evelyn and a large bottle of a massage oil that does not contain sugar.  The word cowgirl is also relevant here.  Then we driive to a beach house.  That night we do a midnight kayak thing.  Admittedly, there isn't a lot going on...this is kind of a glue day that I need just to handle hangovers and transportation.

Day 5
We go climbing...if thats even possible near a beach (??) well, sure, I've heard of like cliffs where you can climb.  Ok, so climbing, also climbing sex, and then that night at the beach house we have a Pirate Party, and, if possible, we play Pirates of the Spanish Main using full sized lego pirate ships.  We also watch lots of pirate movies and dress up and drink captain, etc.  And we need a pair of irons (ancient handcuffs).

Day 6
We recover by lying around the beach house.  We go ride some go karts.  I don't know.  That night, I play a gig with my nearly all-female metal band.  I don't care if the audience is completely empty;  I just want to rock out very loudly.  The after party will be a rave involving foam.  After that, its Evelyn and body paint.

Day 7
We recover from the hangover by...reading  to each other.  Ok that sounds kind of gay now.  Whatever;  I'll leave it in.  Then we...cook dinner, do donuts somewhere, race cars...not necessarily in that order.  Head up to a ski mountain and check in to a ski chalet.

Day 8
Skiing.  Glade skiing.  Maybe make out in the trees, but that could be highly dangerous.  Hot tub.



That's more than a week.  Maybe I can tighten it up.  Accomplishing this might be hard; we'd have to assign party captains.  Oh crap, and beach volleyball!