FML

I used to be love drunk
but now I'm hungover
I love you forever
forever is over

Firefly Girl is not interested in me. I thought she was, because everything looked like the other times girls said they were interested in me, and one of her friends literally walked up to me and told me she was interested. Thought that might be a safe bet. Turns out, she's not. In addition, she actually fed me the cliche friendship line word for word. Like, literally, "I just want to be friends." And a lame ass emoticon to twist the knife. I should have known; she did remind me of Laura.

I spent half the night angrily walking along one of the waterfronts and being even meaner towards the bums than normal. It is going to be hard to shake this one off. I wasn't just interested in this one--I had real, actual feelings for her. We could explore the ins and outs of how that came to pass if I cared to write about such things. I don't. What's important, is that I was going to walk from Belltown to alkai beach or whatever its called, but then I started feeling faint because I didn't really eat dinner, and I didn't want another hole in my jeans so I turned back and drank in a bar by myself. I wish I still had a sportbike. This is the first time I've ever ended up alone in a bar on purpose. At least, when I'm not salsa dancing. Its not so bad. Drinking doesn't really help anything but it does make you sleepy. Unfortunately, sleep didn't take, so I got up again and watched half of the first book of The Lord of the Rings. This is an improvement. Last time I stayed up until like 4 or 5 in the morning watching the battle scenes from all three movies, and had to see that girl on a weekly basis for another month or two. And the corona marathon was the one before that. So we are...progressing.

I could hang out in a bar by myself again. I would need to be able to sit somewhere so I can people watch. Staring at the wall or a tv gets boring. I've had this fantasy about having friends to hang out with but almost everyone I know well enough to just go grab some drinks live on the other side of a body of water. That pretty much kills hanging out on a weeknight. Living weekend to weekend doesn't work--not with a boring job. Thomas Edison said something about finding hundreds of ways that a light bulb wouldn't work. I've found a hundred girls that don't want to date me. And okcupid keeps sending me the same ugly girls over and over again. In fact, I'm about to make some very candid edits to my okcupid profile, and I may have to share them because the voices in the back of my head are screaming "your friends are going to find this s$^! hilarious!" I need to find some kind of fix for all of this, soon, because I can't focus on music, or programming, or anything else when I'm this miserable. When I try to write, all of my stories end like The Great Gatsby.

For these reasons I have to decided to start over. I'm going to pretend that I just moved here, and I don't know anyone, and that I don't hate this city. It is damn near impossible to meet girls when you are grumpy. I know I've spent a year here but there was the flying and the getting sick and the 3sat. So I guess that year--which was supposed to be my year--was a wash. Kind of like most of the ones before it. But that doesn't matter now, if I can put more effort into meeting people. I think I've gotten into routines that aren't helpful.

Maybe I'll post an add on craigslist about playing Settlers.