[Cooking] Pasta Salad

Go to the store.  Buy some fucking bow tie pasta.  Don't think about it, just do it.  Produce.  Get like a red pepper, and a then a green cucumber.  No one around you will appreciate your jokes so don't say anything.  Then an onion, yes.  Also buy some chicken and some ham.  This time get the chicken without bones--we didn't like how things worked out last time.

Now, you need some MAYONAISE and some MUSTARD.  You've never bought either before, but they are in the same aisle.  Avoid the organic shit.  Buy the smallest bottles you can find, because what you don't use will probably spoil before you ever cook again.

You're done shopping.  I know, right?  This isn't hard as long as you don't mind walking like 8 blocks to the grocery store that actually has fresh produce.

And you need fresh produce.  All of the ingredients are going to sit in your fridge for four days because you are too lazy ("tired") to cook.  Instead you're going to use some of the ham to make ham sandwiches.  Don't sweat it.

Now, cook the fucking pasta.  Just dump the entire box in.  Get some salt in there.  Oh this ham is delicious.  Seriouly.  The only food that beats ham is like...bacon.  And sex.  But bacon never says it has a runny nose and blows off your date.  Anyway.

Dice up all the veggies.  Don't use the whole union...cut off what you think might be a third, and discard all pieces that look difficult to dice.  Dicing sucks.  Just do it...it only takes like fifteen minutes.  And the onion crying thing is no joke, either.  Fuck man I have a foodgasm every time I hit one of these ham cubes.  Anyway.  You don't end up cooking the chicken because you forgot to put it on when you put the pasta on, and the small frying pan is in the dishwasher anyway, because you just put it there to make room in the sink.  Dice up the ham too, buddy.

Now for the goo.  Find your tablespoon.  You can use a dry tablespoon cause no one is looking and you probably cooked more pasta than the recipe called for anyway.  Come to think of it, that cucumber was extremely long too.  Like if you took a normal sized cucumber and added four inches, that is what you chose to grab in the produce aisle.  Hey man, I'm not here to judge.  Just as long as it all fits.

So, yeah, still with the goo.  Three tablespoons of mayonaise, and one tablespoon of mustard.  You are supposed to use a teaspoon, but then you'd have to put twice as many measuring spoons in the dishwasher.  The goo looks gross by itself, but it will taste better once you spread it around.

Mix is all up.  The pot you used will probably end up being too small, so offload some of that to a bowl.  You're hungry anyway.

Then, take some plastic wrap and just put it over your pot and put it directly in the fridge.  No need to get tupperware dirty.  If you're out of plastic wrap, use tin foil.  Its not like you're going to cook anything else soon, and aliens only visit the southwest anyway.

One last thing:  with all that produce in the trash can, you are not going to be able to wait a month before taking the trash out.

Ok.  You're done.  Pop a coronita like you mean it and write in your blog.


[Edit]
Stand by...I feel a little sick.