Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Note to self

Next time I go to a protest carry a blade for those plastic cuffs.  Also fuck Ferguson leos.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

[fiction] Damaged Goods, Part ?

The rain came down in heavy sheets.  The two officers were soaked, and had to constantly brush the water out of their eyes as they gazed at their...suspect.  The man was on his knees, bound to a tombstone with heavy chains.  His shirt was gone, showing the deep cuts that were still oozing blood that washed down his chest and collected on the ground in red pools.  They took turns punching him.  Good Cop Punches that would make Dirty Harry proud.  One of the officers occasionally gave the suspect more lacerations with a straight blade.

Across a sea of death stones, Snow stood in the unkempt tallgrass next to a white marbled tombstone, in the shadows.  He wore a manta ray hat that--bonus--was water proof.  Rain ran off the floppy wings in little streams.

Snow turned his head and smiled.  Atop the gravestone was a bird.  A big, black, dark, scary looking bird:  a Crow.  The crow cocked its head and blinked.  Snow held his fist out, and the crow pounded it with one of its feet.

Together, they both turned their attention back to the torture.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Leveling Up

In Seattle, I decried ineptitude and dishonesty of Fountain Court Apartments at 4th Ave and Battery, but even though they lied to me repeatedly (teaching me the hard way about getting things in writing), it is true some of my rent checks were, in fact, 2 or 3 days late.  So I guess trying to trick me into losing thousands of dollars is a fair reaction.

The people who ran Crest Apartments on Melrose in Seattle were also lying assholes.  They increased my rent, failed to increase the direct deposit draft, and then started sending me backdated eviction notices (that isn't even the 'lying' part--when I moved out they invented fraudulent move out expenses to overcharge me with the security deposit).  To be perfectly honest though, if I had gone out of my way to double check the amount they were drawing from my bank account, I may have had a 48 hour window in which to inform them of their mistake before they threatened to evict me.

In NYC, wanting to set a better precedent, I have done my utmost to be a blameless tenant or customer.  So, upon moving into my apartment and creating an account with Con Edison for the electricity bill, I wasted no time in making my first payment, immediate, and in full, with a credit card.  In response, Con Edison sent me three service shutoff notices for non payment.

When I grow up, I want to own a monopoly.









Saturday, November 8, 2014

[lyrics] The Joker

the mountains have their clouds
and the minotaurs their cows
but wary on a sharp cliffs edge
the dragon stands alone

the farmer has his family
the tax collector his levy
but all along the watchtower
the thief stalks alone

the knights have their maidens
the bishops their formation
but all across the marble floor
the joker bows alone

the kings hold their courts
the politicians their retorts
but far atop the inner walls
the ninja climbs alone

the tower has been saved
his enemies in graves
but despite his narrow victory, the
gunslinger's still alone

the captain has 'is 'tennants
and the master's got his mates
but all along the quarterdeck
the doctor walks alone

the directors have their actors
and the producers their detractors
but books are quite a different lot
the author writes alone

the minions have their plans
and the leadership their scams
but aloft in exponential space
the coder flies alone

the humans have their allies
and the aliens their spies
but seflessly in neutral space
the android dies alone

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Close-Hauled

This is who we are
This is what we've got
No it's not our paradise
But it's all we want
And it's all that we're fighting for


Just as girls complain about the boys not reading their OkCupid profile, so I am frustrated by the craigslist programmers who did not actually read my post for a part time android contractor.  I'd be happy to expound on the details, but lets keep this classy.  So I guess its a "numbers game" for them.  Bitches.

I missed another great halloween opportunity.  The thursday that was the night before halloween I was out searching for a new home bar to replace Front Towards Enemy, and ended up drinking way too much at a place that doesnt have Captain.  The next day, Friday, Halloween, was the day I should have been out sitting around in various bars in my Waldo Costume systematically meeting all of the silly people who love to scream "I found you!"  But I didn't do that.  I spent all day hung over and staying late at work wondering why the test software was crashing on the amazon kindle hdx without a stack trace on the last day of the test pass.  Fuck amazon, and fuck their devices.  Then I came home by myself and nursed my hangover.  I had no food so I ended up going to rite aid after midnight where I bought a jar of pickles.  Eating all but two of them made the hangover go away.  Despite this setback, it has occurred to me that next year, despite being forced to adopt a different costume among my friends by the rules of social convention, there is nothing that prevents me from switching back to waldo and going out to a bunch of bars by myself.  I mean I'm totally not going to do that.  I'm just saying I could.

The next night:  Halloween party in Philly.  It was pretty awesome.  I had forgotten how easy and fun it can be to meet people in or around Philly.  In my opinion, the best conversations happen just as the party has reached its apex, when people start leaving and everyone is very tired, very drunk or very sober.  Thats when the conversation flows the easiest.

The Finnish metal band Nightwish is coming to NYC and to Philly in April.  Nightwish is difficult to talk about because I have to resist a strong urge to say "you probably haven't heard of them" -- which is true, but because they are a foreign band and not because they are some lame ass indie hipster band.  So while at the party I hunted down my one and only friend in the entire country that has heard of them.  I attempted to recruit her to attend the concert with me, though I think her enthusiasm was two parts politeness.  Who cares.  There's no reason I can't get stoned out of my mind and go to both concerts by myself.  Call it making up for lost time.

Tonight, I met some of the other residents on the unlit, unheated rooftop deck of our building.  Huddling in the suddenly chill weather that was colder than the wine in our glasses, we made brief introductions and traded notes on our brand new apartments.  For example I learned that the place where we dump our trash is "the creepy place."  I love it.  Then we went to an expensive ass bar, then five guys, and then another bar. It was a pretty bitching start to the new neighborhood.  I'm not sure I remember any of their names though.

Volleyball continues.  Salsa is in progress.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Laundry the Hard Way

I have lived in...9 apartments so far.  The last 6 have always had laundry in the motherfucking unit itself.  I don't go out and "do laundry."  No.  Fuck no.  At some point when I remember that I'm out of socks or whatever, I grab my laundry bin (located next to the shower where I can conveniently peel off the clothes I slept in), dump it into the washer, and let it run.  Obviously no sorting or pocket checking takes place, so its cold wash, cold rinse, and slightly-above-room-temperature drying...the computers at the NSA that illegally spy on everything we do probably think I wear nothing but lingerie.  This usually happens at 2 am.  At some other point in the future, I remember to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer and then walk away again.  When I need some clothes, I dump everything from the dryer into a basket, take the item I need, and leave the basket, still full, on the corner of my bed, where it will serve as a convenient all-in-one dresser drawer for the next week.  Assuming its not the day of the year that I empty the lint trap, a typical laundry run will cost about 4 minutes of my life, spaced out over a 48 hour period.

I have honed this system over the greater part of 10 years in order to arrive at something that requires the least amount of time, effort, planning, or even forethought on my part.  I thought its main weakness was the fact that when I'm planning to invite a girl over, I have to take the time to sort the laundry basket into different drawers to make room on the bed.

However it turns out the biggest problem with this system is that I have become too accustomed to effortless laundry, and have begun making poor life choices in an attempt to cling to my work-free laundering situation.

I chose an apartment in NYC that is at least 25% more expensive because I insisted on having a washer/dryer in the apartment.  Normally when an apartment says "washer/dryer" there is a washer AND a dryer, however in this building I just moved into, they felt that space was so scarce they needed an all in one unit.  This all in one unit appears to do be capable of washing, however the drying cycle does not give you the option to change the drying temperature, and the temperature they've chosen gives the laundry a strange and aromatic burning smell that lasts for days.  Its a weird smell...it smells more like burnt wood and less like burnt clothing.  Reviews of this washer-dryer on Amazon consist of a few outliers hovering over a solid bar of 1 reviews on the bottom.

I signed a year lease on this place.  So...I've really fucked up this time.  Few things in life are as frustrating as carrying your laundry out of  a ridiculously overpriced "luxury" apartment--during business hours!--to a laundromat, costing me two hours of my life every fucking time I do laundry on top of all of the money I'm pissing away on this apartment.  And, this time, I won't have my car nearby to drive across the city to the one 24-hour laundromat.

Again, though, lets be positive.  The wash cycle seems to work.  It may be possible to construct some kind of shape that, when a basket full of wet clothes is dropped on it, will cause the clothes to naturally fall into positions where they will eventually air dry.  That's one option.

Another option is to get 365 each of boxes/sock pairs/t-shirts.  That way, I'll just go to the laundromat once a year and use every machine at once.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Moving Like a Boss

After the disaster that was my previous attempt to move, I was quite apprehensive of this one.  However, I put a lot of time into packing ahead of time, and hired movers this time, and everything actually ended up going quite smoothly.  Wow I really...I guess there isn't much to talk about when things go smoothly for a change.  My new digs:


Moving to Queens from Seattle didn't really feel like moving to a new city...more liking washing ashore after a hurricane that ate 4 years of my life.

This move though, this one feels like moving to a new city...possibly because Brooklyn is basically its own city.  If Manhattan disappeared, Brooklyn would still be there, and would still be more cramped and more expensive than anywhere in Philly.  Speaking of Philly, I would like to believe that because I am "from there" ...ish, I will be immune to becoming a snobby new york asshole.  However, its going to start costing me $250 a month to store my fucking car, so its highly likely that in a few months I won't have a car, and will suddenly be one of those assholes who never wants to leave NYC.

So...now all I need to do is learn to cook, play volleyball, get into salsa, possibly get into a second sport, start seeing an expensive fitness trainer, work on the startup, find a new bar to go to all the time again, and maybe try to implement an RTS in minecraft...all without spending any money, ever, because my apartment is more expensive than any apartment should ever be.  I think I may start eating ramen noodles again.  I also really want to get some kind of music server, or something.  Also some people at my favorite bar in Astoria have told me I need to go to a bar, drink tea by myself, and not play with or read anything on my phone.  Because that's what it takes to look approachable.  I didn't tell these people about the tiger hat, but for you guys, lets just be clear for the record:

Tiger Hat:  1
Sitting Alone at Bars:  0

Also I have no place to hang my clothes now.