Veggies Don't Have Carbs!

Fuck Keto.

More precisely, fuck ketogenic diets.

I mean, they are great for other people;  other people who are not me.  I will not be going on a keto diet.  The first hint that I would not be doing a keto diet wasn't, in fact, the stomach pains I felt as a result of eating too much ham that morning and the previous night.  No, it was when I realized I was about to pass out as I stumbled around safeway searching for a shrimp platter.  What does a shrimp platter have to do with weight lifting?  I'm glad you asked.

You see, I had decided to start this diet as soon as possible, because I was worried about the adjustments to my life.  No carbs.  So my dinner was ham.  The next morning:  4 eggs.  Also ham.  Strangely, despite eating ridiculous amount of food, by 10:30 I was already hungry for my morning doughnut, which I did not partake.  By the time lunch rolls around, I am starving.  The PT insisted that he like, new microsoft cafeteria food, and they had no-carb foods, so the caf wasn't an excuse.  I found one thing with no carbs:  the salad bar.  So, obviously, I loaded up a bunch of plants into a container and then soaked them in balsamic vinegar.  I did this because all of the good salad dressings have carbs, and to my knowledge balsamic vinegar is the only healthy dressing I can stand to eat.  Unfortunately, being super hungry makes me tend to overdo everything.  I reflected on this as I did my best to choke down plants and onion slices that were thoroughly soaked in vinegar.  Still, I kept my good attitude.  If this is what it takes to have muscles without switching gyms or finding a reasonable PT, well then this is what it takes.

I was already hungry again as we left the cafeteria.  Too hungry to work.  And all the snacks, everywhere, especially the ones I wanted to eat in great amounts, had carbs.  All I had was a list of foods that I would have to go home and cook.  In my cloudy mental state the only food I could think of that I could eat without going home and cooking was shrimp--specifically the overpriced cocktail shrimp they sell for the lazy rich at supermarkets.  And that's when I left for safeway.  Safeway was where I made the decision to start rationalizing giving up the stupid diet, but I didn't want to do so right away because I had spent at least 16 hours of my life exercising self control, and I wanted something more to show for it, damnit!

It wasn't until I had eaten an entire block of mozzarella cheese and a platter of (what turned out fo be frozen) shrimp and still felt ridiculously hungry that I admitted I wasn't going to do this.  In the abstract, sure, I can commit.  In real life?  No.  I can't concentrate on computer code if all I can think about is how hungry I am while stuffing my face with foods that will be unpleasant later.  I can't do my job in that state.

By 4:30, I talked to the kitchen and drank an entire mountain dew.  It was the most delicious mountain dew I have ever had in my entire life, and in fact will probably remain the most delicious mountain dew I've ever had, because I'm not trying keto again.

Here's a list of keto side effects, in no particular order:

1.  keto flu:  you feel sick and have no energy, because of keto
2.  constipation
3.  light-headedness
3b. salt defficiency, potassium deficiency, etc
4. Heart Arrhythmia
5. sugar cravings
6.  Lets just go back to Heart Arrhythmia again.  Heart Arrhythmia.

I know longer care if the guy who was going to be my personal trainer thinks I am lazy, or weak, or...whatever emotion type A do-everything-at-once people associate with this decision.  I don't care if he will refuse to teach me how to lift properly.  I will find another way to learn how to lift.  I will read it in a book, or watch videos, or switch gyms, or say screw weights and just rock climb instead.

That being said--the ketogenic diet still does hold some interest for me.  I actually do plan to limit the amount of carbohydrates I eat.  I am hoping to, with sufficient exercise, still reap the benefits of having my body switch to fat-burning mode.  The reason I think this is doable is because most vegetables don't have much carbs, which means meat and veggies is a keto friendly meal.  I can handle that.

Or, really, maybe I'll just live on soda and doritos.  I was actually fine with [mostly] cutting soda completely out of my diet.  Sure, I missed it, but there are more important things in life.   Until today.  All I want for Christmas is a thousand six packs of mountain dew.