+1 to Ambivalence

Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it.

--Bruce Lee.

Thought I would try to learn from past mistakes.  That's why I didn't mention her until now.  Surprisingly...we've only been dating for 3 months.  It felt like longer.  I'm grateful for that;  I would like everything I do to feel like it took longer, because life is just going faster and faster and I need a way to slow it down.

I have good news to report though:  this may have been my first normal breakup.  She didn't dump me for not liking her dog.  She didn't cry for four hours after reading my blog.  She didn't give up because I'm an emotionless robot.  I didn't fall in love only to discover she's hooking up with the salsa teacher (although this time time that would have been hot; my salsa teacher is a girl).  There were no epic mismatches in understanding or awful quotes that will never be forgotten.  It simply didn't work out.  There was a little bit of that shit where I didn't know what to say, but that passed.  I was able to speak, although the words that came out sounded more like a line from Donald Draper than something I would say.

This time I had seen it coming.  I'm noticing a pattern:  when every little thing starts bothering them, and they make no effort to hang out with you, etc, you no you're in trouble.

What's definitely missing is that soul crushing weight.  Every other time it felt like some fat dwarf had looped an iron chain over my lungs and was just hanging around on it with all of their weight.  All I could think about was how awful it was, and what I could do to distract myself, to stop feeling anything.

This time...almost nothing.  I felt a little...I feel sad about it ending.  I will miss what we had.  I will miss having someone there, who is always with you.  I will miss her.  She was a really good person and we had a good thing going.  I hope everything works out for her and she finds success in her career and her relationships.  Along with that, though, I feel a sense of hope, but real hope this time.  There is a world full of cute, girls out there, and I know I will meet another one.  Or rediscover one I used to know.  Or both.  I mean, for serious, lets definitely not rule out both.  Not mandatory.  Just an option.  Or two new ones.  Or two old ones.  I mean, whatever.  All I'm saying is, this is going to be my time.  I'm a little afraid, because I won't have long before the confidence and...anti-loneliness I've gained from being in a healthy relationship with a cool girl fades away under the monotony of sleeping alone every night.  Trying to breathe while your single is a lot of work, a sort of never-ending rat race that leaves you physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, but I'm ready to play.  I have a lot of options...take a photography class?  Yoga?  Zumba?  Go hardcore with salsa?  Start going to concerts alone with nothing but a bag of weed and a condom?  Ride a motorcycle across the country?  Get my flying license current and buy a jet?  I just need to plan my next move.


I think I will buy some Legos.