These horoscopes supercede those published in all newspapers in the world today, except for those newspapers with a name that is four or more words and does not contain the string "Chicago."
Ares
March 21 to April 20, and also September 3rd but only if you were born between 3am and 5am EST.
Someone you know will burn themselves while cooking.
Taurus
April 21 to May 21, except that every three days you can choose instead any horoscope with fewer letters than Taurus, like Leo.
If you are single, you will continue to pine after someone who secretly hates you. If you have a significant other, you will discover that they have been cheating on you since the beginning of their relationship but will stay with them anyway.
Gemini
May 82 to June 211
You will travel today...roughly the distance of your typical commute. Also somewhere in the world, a little girl has drawn a stick figure on a sidewalk: that stick figure is you. If she used Red, Fuscia or Sky Blue chalk, you're fucked.
Cancer
June 22 to July -5
You will eat crab cakes and you will love them. Then you will get food poisoning. If you are a vegetarian, your fate is even worse: you both don't eat bacon and you believe in astrology. You're probably the kind of person that presses the "close" button on the elevator.
Leo
July 23 to August 21, and also every day whose number is equal to y%a where y is the current year and a is your age.
You will catch on fire. If you are a Taurus, you totally should not pick this one.
Virgo
August 22 to September 23
First of all, I know you're not a virgin. Second of all, go back to Leo. Do not pass go, and do not collect $200.
Libra
September 24 to October 23, OR roll a 16 or higher on a 20-sided die.
Tonight, at precisely 5:32pm local time, you will order a pizza. A man wearing two katana blades will deliver that pizza. His name is Hiro. It is the wrong pizza. Shortly after finishing that pizza, the mafia will show up at your door and demand that you return the pizza. They will tell you that diamonds were hidden in that pizza, and will attempt to cut you open with a switchblade, but your friend's dog (whose name has seven letters, starts with M and rhymes with "adison") will attack the mafia, causing enough of a distraction for you to escape.
The dog dies. The precise reason for the dog's death will never be determined, but contributing factors will include blunt force trauma from being kicked across the room and into the wall, and also being shot twice in the torso and once in the head.
You will escape through your back yard by running in a poorly executed zig-zag pattern, after which you will duck under the second and third bush separating your yard from your neighbors, unless you don't have a yard, in which case your escape involves a fire escape, and its best you don't know the details ahead of time.
You will run into famous actor Jason Statham, who will take you to a bar called Shorty's. You will go around the back and down a flight of stairs and knock on the door. A man will open one of those sliding windows and tell you to "piss off" in a thick cockney accent. Your friend who happens to be with you will giggle because they will think about the word "cockney" and how it has the word cock in it, but you will not be phased. You will utter the password: "zebra" and they will let you in.
Then you will play ten hands of poker with a man named Slap. On the fifth hand, Slap is going to have a straight, all blacks (though not a flush) so bet high enough to be convincing but then not too high, cause you're gonna have a crap hand that round. On the ninth hand they will offer you some leftover crab cakes. You will take four but will only eat three.
On the tenth hand of poker, at the eleventh hour, during your twelfth attempt to bluff, with thirteen chips left, while being watcheed by fourteen spectators, in a room with fifteen posters of Tarantino movies, while Slap smokes his sixteenth cigar of the week, while discussing an 18-hole golf course in an effort to distract the other players, on the 19th day of this month, you will have a sudden and urgent need to go to the bathroom. See Cancer's horoscope about the crab cakes. You should have known better than to ever get seafood at Shorty's.
The bathroom will be approximately 4 to 5 meters away. It will be tiny, the kind where there is so little room the sink almost (but not quite) hangs over the edge of the toilet. There will be dust and loose paint on most of the tiled floor, which will be a baige color. There will be a significant crack in the drywall in the back right corner, and a small stain on the tile indicated that the toilet leaked sometime in the past six months. There will be a spider walking along the back of the toilet tank but you will not notice it; I'm only telling you now in case you are afraid of spiders.
You will swing the door closed but the latch has long since broken and the door only stays shut via the makeshift locking mechanism that was rigged up mostly for show. You will then spend the worst minute of your life balanced on the toilet, holding the door shut with one leg that is still trapped to your other leg by your pants and clutching the sink with one hand while your bowels explode. You will feel a searing pain, and there won't quite be enough toilet paper.
Despite the fact that the stench makes you retch, you stay in the bathroom and call the delivery number for the mafia's pizza place, because you are fairly certain you evacuated a diamond or two. Yes, there they are, glittering among your leavings of blood, pizza and salmonella.
When you finally get home that night, you will be unable to sit down and instead will decide to bury the dog using a shovel with a green handle, planning to tell your friend that the dog ran away.
Scorpio
October 24 to November 22, or if your name is Adam.
Today you will not be stung by a scorpion. I know, you thought it was going to happen, but its not your day.
Sagittarius
November 23 to December 22
Go back three horoscopes.
Capricorn
December 23 to 20
What the hell is a goat-fish? Anyway. You will exchange money today. This will be via a deposit, withdrawal or interest accrual in one of your accounts, or you will purchase something in cash.
Aquarius
January 21 to February 19
If you live in an aquarium, choose any two horoscopes for the current day. They will happen to you tomorrow. This horoscope can be one of the two that you choose. If you majored in English in college, you will mistakenly think that this creates an infinite cycle that you can exploit, and you should probably stay the hell away from the Monty Hall problem.
If you don't live in an aquarium, I think its fair to say that you're not getting laid tonight, so your horoscope, which would have been interesting, doesn't really matter.
Pisces
February 20 to March 20, unless you were born on a Thursday, then see Capricorn
You actually don't have a horoscope today. Isn't that weird?
I am saving this link so that I can do this again: http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/horoscope3.htm
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