[fiction] Damaged Goods: Part ????

Teaser

The alien snuggled up to Snow Monkey while she played with his exposed penis.  They'd had sex about 12 times, but it was still at half mast and probably ready for another 12.

"Don't you have to go?" asked the sexy alien.

"I was supposed to report back a while ago, yeah," said Snow.

The alien slid her finger all the way up his shaft.

"I could probably stay longer though," he moaned.

The alien's face brightened.  "We could ask my sister to join us!"

"Oh hell yes-"

"Becker to Snow," beeped Snow's comm badge.

"Oh shit," muttered Snow.  He tapped his badge.  "Snow Monkey here."

"You're three hours over due.  Return to the ship immediately," said Captain Biff.

"Yeah...I will as soon as I locate the rest of the away team," said Snow, looking around the room as if they might be hiding behind the furniture.

"The rest of your team has already returned to the ship."

"Oh!  So that's where they were!  I was looking everywhere-"

The sexy alien raised her eyebrow.

"Just get your ass back up here," said Biff.

Snow looked at the alien and started to say something, but the transporter beam was already dematerializing him.  Apparently Captain Grumpypants was getting impatient.


Act One

Snow Monkey strolled into the conference room.

Captain Biff:  "Where the hell were you?  We beamed you off the planet ten minutes ago."

Snow Monkey shrugged.  "I had to replicate some pants."

Biff rolled his eyes.  "Lets move on."

Snow Monkey:  "Very well.  Lieutenant Boobs?  Give your report."

Lt. Boobs:  "My name is Nikka."

Snow Monkey:  "Trust me.  You're Lieutenant Boobs."

Lt. Boobs stood up and walked over to the screen that people are always staring at during these meetings.  "This planet, while not residing in a sector of any particular navigational significance, has a rich cultural history dating back-"

Snow Monkey rolled his eyes.  "OMG that's not even important.  Here's what you guys need to know.  There's not too many dudes, and all of the women on the planet are bisexual.  And they are all interested in having sex with us--I mean, letting us have some shore leave here.  Right team?"

The rest of the away team--Lt. Commander Jason Web and Lt. Commander Lawrence Lee--both nodded vigorously.

"They don't have warp travel yet," said Jason, "so the prime directive still applies."

"I'm going to prime her direct--" Snow looked around the table.  "Sorry, still working on that joke."

"What kind of laws are we dealing with?  Anything unusual culturally?" asked Captain Biff.

"You mean aside from their open sexuality?" asked Lt. Boobs.

"Meh just common sense stuff.  No biggie," said Snow.


Act Two, Three, whatever.

Stuff happened.

Act Three

"Captain to the bridge!"

"What is it?" asked Biff.

Snow Monkey motioned to the view screen.  "Ok so that snot nosed kid that nobody likes tripped and fell into a mini greenhouse, and now they want to execute him."

"That's right," said the male alien on the viewscreen.

"What?!? Execute him for what?" demanded Biff.

"He broke one of our shrubberies!" said the alien matter-of-factly.

Act Four

They were back in the conference room.

"Goddammit Snow you had one job," said Biff.

"In my defense...I was having a great time," said Snow.

Captain Biff:  "You didn't think it was important to find out about the death penalty?"

Snow:  "I feel like you should be yelling at Lieutenant Boobs as well."

Lt. Boobs:  "Hey!"

Captain Biff turned to Lt. Commander Jason.  "What's our status?"

"Well," said Jason, "there is a more-or-less omnipotent being hanging out in orbit.  It seems to know nearly everything and be able to do anything but it spends all its time babysitting this one planet.  Also every crime that is committed on the planet carries the death penalty.  For like no reason."

"Except for not reciprocating oral sex." said Snow.  "They seem to be ok w-"

"SHUT UP" screamed Lt. Boobs.  "It's your fault we're in this mess."

Biff looked back at Lt. Commander Jason.  "Continue."

Jason:  "So this omnipotent being has trapped us in orbit around the planet and wont let us leave until we let the people on the planet murder that kid nobody likes."

Captain Biff:  "Options."

"Well, I could try reversing the polarity," said Lt. Commander Lawrence.

"Will that work?" asked Lt. Boobs.

"It would probably destroy the ship."

"What else?"

"You're gonna have to give a speech," said Snow.

Jason nodded.

Captain Biff:  "Are you sure?"

Snow:  "Oh yes.  A big speech on how absolute morality is bad.  You should start sitting down, and then stand up and straighten your shirt, and then raise your voice at the end."

"I agree.  Its our best chance of getting out of here," said Jason.

"We'll need to point the transmission in the general direction of the omnipotent being," said Lawrence.

Biff looked at Lt. Boobs.  "What do you think?" he asked.

Lt. Boobs nodded reluctantly.  "We can't fight our way out.  You're going to have to give a speech."

Snow:  "Would anyone else like to just fire all of our photon torpedos at the surface until the planet's crust burns and kills everyone?"  Snow looked around.  "No?"

"I'll go with the speech," said Biff.


More of Act Four

Biff finished delivering his self righteous speech regarding the superiority of "relative" morality over "absolute" morality, and the omnipotent being released its hold on the ship's orbital inclination and started to fade under the weight of Biff's, you know, incredible logic and shit.

"Ok, I know that you guys are kind of annoyed with me, and probably very relieved to put this behind us, but I just want to suggest, that, you know, before we leave orbit..."

"What?" asked the captain.

Snow:  "...we could leave him there."

"Absolutely not!"  said Biff.

Snow:  "Just think about.  Nobody likes him.  I'm serious.  Like there isn't a single person on the-"

Biff looked at Lt Commander Jason.  "Break orbit and set course for-"

Suddenly there was a loud explosion and the ship lurched.  A console exploded in a shower of sparks, killing a previously unmentioned crewman.

Cap'n Biff:  "Report!"

"Direct hit on the starboard nacell.  We've lost warp drive," reported Lt. Boobs.

"Shields up!  What the hell hit us?" asked Biff.  Just then the view screen was filled with the image of the dragon, which scored another direct hit just as the shields were coming online.  Its fiery breath scorched a large part of the saucer section, including the bridge, causing numerous hull breaches. By the time emergency force fields were in place, only Snow and Lt. Boobs were left on the bridge.

"Return fire!" said Snow.

The dragon was already past them, and it flew over and ate the allegedly omnipotent being with a single bite.  Lt. Boobs launched three torpedos, but they each missed their target.  She finally scored a hit with the phasers and the dragon closed for another attack.

"Direct hit on its left wing," said Lt. Boobs.

Snow ran to the console and looked at the battle damage.  "Sound evacuation and prep for emergency saucer separation," shouted Snow.

Lt. Boobs did so and followed him into the turbolift.  "What separation sequence are you using?"

"Thirty seconds."

"Thirty?  We won't make it in time!"

"That's true.  Snow Monkey to transporter room three.  Two to beam directly to the battle bridge."

"Aye sir," same the transporter room's response.  A second later Snow and Lt. Boobs appeared in the smaller battle bridge.  All around them large red panels blinked on and off, a constant reminder of the danger the ship was in.

"Snow to all transporter rooms.  Start beaming as many as you can from the saucer to the engineering section," said Snow.

"They won't have enough to get everyone," said Nikka.  "They won't even get half the people."

"Then they'll die," said Snow.  "Where's the dragon?"

"Coming around for another pass."

"I'm blowing the separation early."

"No!!!!" Nikka lunched for his hand to stop him, but it was too late.  Snow pressed the panel and a number of explosive bolts fired.  The saucer and engineering sections separated unexpectedly, killing everyone who was descending into the engineering section at that moment.  With the bulkheads unsealed, large portions of the decks on both ships were depressurized before emergency force fields activated, killing even more.

Snow pressed another panel and the engineering section veered off sharply, just before the dragon cut clean through the saucer section with its claws.

"I'm taking us into the atmosphere.  Lock on with the aft torpedo-"  Snow glanced behind him.  Nikka was on the floor with some kind of thousand yard stare.  He put the ship on evasive autopilot and leapt over the railing to tactical to do it himself.

The dragon followed them in hot and close, bathing what was left of the ship as its quarry fired torpedo after torpedo into its face.

"Shields are down to ten, no three percent," said Nikka.  Another explosion rocked the ship.  "Shields are gone."

"Signal abandon ship," said Snow.  He ran to a nearby replicator.  Nikka didn't hear what he ordered, but she watched a katana appear.

"What are you doing?" asked Nikka.

"Lets get to the shuttle bay," shouted Snow.

As they ran they passed crewmen cramming into the escape pods and launching.  Snow had no idea if they would survive.

"Are they going to make it?" asked Nikka.

"Of course!" he replied.

The dragon swooped in and bit off most of the port nacelle, causing the ship to lurch.

Snow and Nikka fell in the corridor, scrambled and started running again.  "Snow Monkey to shuttle 5, start ignition sequence."

They bust into the shuttle bay and made it into the shuttle just as the dragon's next attack destroyed the outer bulkhead.  The shuttle bay started to depressurize.  Snow blasted a way out with the shuttle's phasers and flew them right past the dragon's head.  The dragon turned its head and tried to eat them but missed.

They pulled a steep descent, and the dragon followed.  Above them they watched the ship lose structural integrity and break apart into thousands of small fragments, each one burning up in the atmosphere.

Then the shuttle lurched and did an unexpected barrel roll--a hit from the dragon.  Snow steadied the craft and jumped out of his seat.  "Take over!" he shouted.

Just as Nikka did so, Snow opened the outer hatch, grabbed his sword, and leapt out of the shuttle craft, and flew through the air directly at the dragon, sword poised for...




And then Snow woke up.