There was a point in my career where I was sitting in an office trying to keep part of an old online ordering system from crapping itself under the christmas load. The culprit of all our problems was the sheer volume was straining our software systems and causing all kinds of behavior that would probably be quite interesting to a freshman software design course. Our managers were in our little office there to help watch the service struggle. This is what they said:
"This is a good problem..." or "this is not a problem" or "I'm glad we're having this problem!" or whatever.
Their point was, we should not be unhappy with the fact that more and more people wanted to order from us. I wasn't completely convinced; when you have a couple software services that behave ok, getting a little slower, a little slower, and then crash, maybe lots of traffic isn't a good thing. It doesn't matter how much those people are spending if they take out your ordering system and the website goes down and your customers find other places to shop.
However, when your boss' boss' boss is in the room, sharing your own opinions on whether or not we all need to like someone is a low priority.
(for those of you who know where I work: this problem shouldn't pop up again for years; some new software we wrote kicks ass)
I have my own "good problem."
After years of getting basically no action from online dating sites like plenty of fish and ok cupid, and nothing but disasters in real life, there has been a sudden glut of girls who want to meet me. You want to know what I changed? Get ready for this. Pickupmaster...whatever they're called. Pickup artist (yeah, cause they're artists) secrets coming up. Get ready for it.
Are you ready?
I don't think your ready. Prepare yourself. The key to women is coming up! Its coming!
That what she s--I changed nothing.
There is no single significant factor that I can, you know, blog about and start using all the time. So now we come to the problem: too many girls. I was tracking like 9 or 10 at one point. About half of them I've met in real life. Half, or 50%, by the way, is waayyyy more than zero.
So now...ok. Here's the thing. Guys that cheat, or play around? I have no fucking idea how they do it. Me getting married to the most amazing woman on the planet and then cheating on her once is a nightmare of mine, but I could never keep a girl on the side. Its fucking impossible. I can't remember who has or likes or hates motorcycles, or which one hates the new batman movies with Christian Bale, who has which phobias about how to pay for stuff on dates, and we haven't even started making a map of their political/religious prejudices. Simply being able to know that there wasn't anyone waiting for me to text them back required making a spreadsheet at one point.
Plus, time. There's only so many days in a week--nights, really, and its tough to fit into these girls schedules while juggling 5 of them and also trying to troubleshoot a computer experiment (the results are in: I saved $40 by buying a cheapass power supply that blew and damaged $400 worth of video cards) and keep up with the volleyball league, and whatever the hell else I'm supposed to be doing. Buying motorcycle and investigating sailing and autocross, and keeping up with the heart troubleshooting efforts. So, anyway. It's gotten to the point where I'm fooling around with a girl in the middle of a rock band game when my phone alarm goes off telling me I should be leaving for my next date, which would have been a disaster if she hadn't also been late.
So we've done like one...round of dates. I think I got everyone that didn't flake off at the idea of actually meeting in real life. None of them told me they were "taking a break from dating" so I must be improving my game. The dates were...not terribly exciting. They were fun, and there was a point during one of them that I almost felt an adrenaline rush. I'm still kind of getting over my play for Hot Lego Girl, and I hope that the person I think is her new boyfriend gets AIDS and also drowns in a fountain after being kicked in the balls by a turtle. But I digress. Not really feeling the passion, or whatever I usually feel when I go after girls; its more like a chore. Still, though, that feeling that I am completely wasting my life has gone away.
At some point I'm going to have to stop going on dates with multiple girls, I guess. I don't know what that point is, and I don't really want to ask again, because the last time I was upfront and asked about it...it didn't go well. So maybe I'll just guess. One girl I think is blowing me off. Two more seem definitely into me...one definitely wants a second date, or something. I don't know. Holy shit there was so much talking...on and on and on for hours, and I can't even remember what we talked about.
None of them appear to have the sort of...spark that I look for...the white wave. I don't know if its because they don't have it, or because its not obvious in some girls. So, we'll see. Whatever happens, we're all going to have a good time and I'll probably need a regular traffic lawyer. Dating is exhausting though.
Also, if I don't turn up with a girlfriend soon, I'm beginning to be concerned that my family is going to start wondering if I'm gay. I mean, I'm a guy, and I live in Seattle, and I've started to wear clothing that is ill-suited for the purpose is extensibly exists to perform--I understand this is called fashion. For example: I have cowboy shoes that cannot be used for hiking, or cowboying, or really anything any more strenuous than walking on a sidewalk. I have a pair of jeans that, because they fit properly, are so tight its nearly impossible to get my keys and my cell phone in the same pocket. I have a hoodie that at first glance looks like the kind of thing you'd find in the ghetto, but actually cost more than a hundred and doesn't protected against the cold or rain very well. I also have shoes that look like of like sneakers but can't really be used for running or sports--only lounging around when my fake cowboy shoes wouldn't match. I even own a pair of gaudy sunglasses because I was out for a walk and they were the only pair the convenience store had that wasn't hideous. So yeah. These clothes are complete failures from an engineering perspective, but I get compliments on them, so I wear them. Still working on the pants--I have a pair that looks great but you can't fit anything in the pockets.
I think so long as I don't start wearing scarves, I'll be fine, but I really don't want to be a part of any conversation discussing a conclusion that only an idiot should make about me. Having my mom try to get me to use eHarmony was bad enough. A reasonable person might not be concerned about this, but I know this: girls basically think everyone is gay, and they feel the need to share with everyone the false positives that show up on their gaydar. In fact, for any famous guy, there exists a girl that I wanted to hook up with who thinks he's gay. Shit--that's another thing I'm going to have to remember for each of them; I like to avoid mentioning famous men that the girl I'm with thinks are gay in order to shortcut that entire conversation (girls seem to not like it when you think discussing another guy's sexuality is a complete waste of time). And whether they drink or not, or if they have any strange date preferences (like or hate movies, can't sit still indoors, etc) or if they have any weird eating habits, like being pescatarian, or really any food-religion that involves not eating bacon. Bacon is really the primary food group. I'm going to try to cooking it with brown sugar the next time I get a chance--brown sugar creates pure deliciousness when applied to ham, so why not try the rest of the pig?
Plus, my thing where I end up becoming whatever I think the girl wants or needs--that ability is getting all screwed up. Too many modes to cycle between. I'm like a chameleon trapped between 4 television screens.
But I'm totally happy and stuff. Yay for all this.
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