"Remember, when I say STOP, don't finish, just pull out"
--our rafting guide
We went White Water Rafting this weekend. Out of all the "Extreme Sports" that I don't think are stupid, whitewater rafting seems to be the most relaxing. It may be because I don't treat it like a role playing game. When I'm climbing, its all about getting better and, you know, leveling up to harder walls. When I'm mountain biking, its all about trying to acquire new skills and putting points into Stamina so that I can keep up with Luke. Its even true of stuff I do that isn't extreme sports. When I'm dancing its all about getting better so I can dance with cuter girls (there is, sometimes, a strong correlation between attractiveness and dance skill, but you don't want to know why), and with flying I just want to collect more ratings and licenses and move up to bigger and faster planes, as if my life is nothing but some kind of flight sim role playing game. I was the same way with skiing, even, except when I started barreling down double black diamonds (the hardest type of slope) on ice, I decided that I had conquered that sport.
This is not the case with whitewater rafing; rafting of all types is something I don't need to get better at. I just want to float down a river, enjoy the view, paddle furiously to avoid some rocks and then get splashed by some ice cold water. There is no "next time" that we need to be concerned about. I'm not going to go around buying better paddles, or trying to seduce my friends into coming along with, or collecting guide certifications. I just have no interest. It is kind of ironic: with all of the slouching and lounging around that I do, and the games and other diversions I indulge in, I couldn't truly relax until I was barrelling down rapids on the side of an inflated pvc tube, clutching my little paddle with a death grip every time some ice cold water hit my neck and ran all the way down my back. It was the most relaxing thing I've done in months. I think there may be something wrong with my interests. I don't know.
I'm starting to think of my entire life in terms of floating down a river: I'm going to reach the end whether I do anything about it or not, and I'm really not accustomed to doing anything about it. I spend, and have spent, most of my time waiting for something to happen. Its just a habit. I have this long list of things I want to do, like visit Russia, and ski at blackcomb, and blah blah blah, and I have a big list of reasons why I can't do all that, but I bet if I really wanted to, I could do all that. I just don't, because I spend all of my time alternately chasing girls, or keeping busy to take the edge off of the loneliness/rejection. I know. Another emo post. I just hung out with Luke and his fiance like all weekend, so I'm feeling a bit third wheel-ish. Don't get me wrong--they are totally fun to hang out with. But I've been here before: with Owen and Erin. There were also totally fun to hang out with, but I always thought of that as a temporary state, that I was just having a run of bad luck, and I wouldn't be third-wheeling it again ten years later. Something is seriously wrong with...something. I won't give all of the details, because this is a story and not a cry for help. In fact, so much harm has been caused by some people trying to help me that I am barely capable of accepting real help when I truly need it. I remember, once, somebody's mom offered to set me up with a bunch of young nurses she worked with. In my mind, all nurses are attractive, and they must all be smart because you can't be a nurse without studying the hard sciences. So this was an awesome offer. However, I was so used to people interfering with my life that I froze up--ok this paragraph is just gay. Wherever I am now...I'm responsible for that. I really just wanted to use the phrase "hard sciences."
Man...I was going to write this big long essay about how I'm going to just give up chasing girls all the time and resign myself to never finding what i'm looking for, because, if that thing with the numbers is true, I'm a four and only dates nines. And how everyone else is getting married--like everyone--and I need to just get used to being the single one and learn to enjoy life like that, because if I keep on waiting for something good to happen, my life will pass me by before I notice. I mean, I'm already 26. I'm really not sure how that happened. There's like a chunk missing somewhere that I don't remember. But....lets face it. I wouldn't be able to maintain an attitude like that for a week (plus, I'm asking Hot Girl out tomorrow). Not until I am convinced that I will never find someone, will I be able to truly rest. I'm simply hard wired to think about girls all the time, and nothing on this lame ass planet compares.
I decided this while I was drinking coffee at Tully's in Redmond. I was at Tully's because I had driven up there to meet up with someone for my fourth purchase of bulk Lego bricks, and I was meeting Luke and his fiance to see a movie later, and because I did not realize there was a starbucks across the street. Had I been at starbucks, I would not have been prodded out of my reverie by some guy at the next table passive-aggressively complaining to his friend about some person I didn't care about and definitely didn't want to hear about. Something about a desk. Anyway. I have no answers. I don't know if I'm making the right moves. I don't know if I should give up and look for some magical silver bullet that will allow me to be content with being alone. I still don't know what to say when my parents call every week, disappointed and suspicious that my life is in the exact same place it was the week before, and I have no news. I don't know if I'm in denial about something, or if I'm on the right track but just really unfortunate. All I know is that something has me stressed out, and that playing the "why am I stressed?" game with myself in a coffee shop only makes it worse.
Laura crossed my mind the other day. I looked at some pictures of her on facebook, and then got Breathing by Lifehouse stuck in my head. Yeah, I'm a classy guy. I think I'm going to start racing cars.
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NGO website: http://www.good.is
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What if you had an email auto-responder on, but you sent an email to someone else who also had an auto-responder on? Would your two auto-responders suddenly start screaming at each other nonstop that each of you is unavailable?
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