[fiction] Damaged Goods: 0xdb0

The half man, half cow beast of the Blood Moon Clan raised the limp body of the Amazon into the air and, with a bloodcurdling scream, broke her body in two.  Before she hit the ground the Barbarian's Axe cleaved the beast's head in two, but he was seconds too late to save he.  He and the Demon Huntress caught each other's eyes and exchanged a significant glance.

The barbarian whirled himself around in a tornado-like motion, clearing the path through monster and beast until he stood shoulder to shoulder with the the Huntress.  Around them lay the dead bodies of countless human cultists and beast of the Blood Moon Clan.  Beyond them, a tide of monsters, demonds, ghosts, and deformed human swarmed to meet them.  They were climbing over the cathedral walls and dropping into the graveyard like spiders.

The barbian kicked a gravestone, sending the top if it crashing into the closest cultist, sending the man to the ground with a broken neck.  "To me!" screamed the Barbarian.

Meters away the Paladin sent five bodies into the air with his tower shield, following the direction of the barbarian's voice as he hacked and slashed is way back to the party.

"Aryssa is down!" said the Barbarian.  "She had our last portal scroll!"

"Then this is where we die," said the Necromancer.  He sent a bone spear tearing through the oncoming wave of monsters, killing hundreds.  Unfortunately as if in answer to his words, a skeleton dodged the Paladin's sweeping attack and ran a sword through the Necromancer's head.

The Sorceress materialized in that instant, and with little more than a nod, sent the skeleton flying over the Cathedral's outer walls like a mortar shell.  Her named was Jade, and she wore a sexy tunic and a tiara with a green gem.  The sorceress joined ranks with the Barbarian, the Huntress, and the Paladin.  Her eyes glowed, first blue, and then white hot, with small streaks of lightning arcing over the surface.  She raised her hands and formed a glowing, spinning, and most of all deadly ball of ice in front of her, then sent it into the approaching crowd.  It killed anything it touched and also sent spikes of deadly ice out at every angle.  That spell brought down everything in its path like a threshing machine in a field.  Then the Sorceress sent three more in opposite directions, filling the inner walls of the Cathedral with blood and brains.

Jade collapsed to the ground and sighed:  "I'm spent."

It was a glorious but temporary reprieve, as even now hordes of Moon Clan, cultists, and skeletons ran to take the place of their fallen comrades.

The Paladin dug his boots in, and raised his mace, waiting.  The Demon Huntress let loose with everything she had, rapidly killing hundreds of beings with her arrows.  The Barbarian threw every spear, every knife...every throwing weapon he had, his arms working opposite beats like two pistons.  Yet still the horde closed, and it barely took any time for the Demon Huntress to run out of mana as well.

The Barbarian raised his sword and gave a war cry that checked the very nearest creatures.  Yet just as he was lowering his sword to the nearest, something happened that no one expected.

There was a great whirring sound on the roof, and then temporarily, a blue, metropolitan police box materialized out of nothing.  Its door opened, and Snow Monkey came riding out on a moped before the police box vanished again.  Snow Monkey's massive armor dwarfed the tiny little machine, but the mopeds tiny two-stroke engine could be heard above the din.  Snow Monkey reached down and pressed a button on his ipod, and suddenly Sabaton's "Night Witches" began to blare from large speakers duct-taped over the moped's front lamp.

Snow rode along atop the cathedral wall, elbowing man and beast off the edge, occasionally negotiating up or down a curved stairway with a grace of skill that no moped deserves.

But the real show started when he turned on his Mark IIIa Heretic Pattern Flamer.  It was thus that he arrived at ground level, bursting out of a tower in a ball of flame.  He circled the doomed party twice, laying down cover in a wall of fire that burned for minutes.

Snow Monkey joined their ranks, offering a metal glove to the now-recovering Sorceress.

"Are you a nephalem?" she asked as she stood.

Snow looked down her tunic and said, "For you I'll be anything you want."

"They're coming through the fire!" shouted the Paladin.

"Ready yourselves.  We talk later," said the Barbarian.

They raised their weapons as the horde descended upon them.  Snow, the Sorceress, and the Huntress sprayed death in three directions, while the Barbarian and the Paladin covered them, dispatching anything that entered the ring of fire.

Slowly, the ring of dead bodies at the fire line grew, foot by foot, into a wall.  Snow fused the pieces together with his flamer and the adventurers stood upon as they killed.

But Hell had more to send, and send it did.  The very ground beneath them cracked, allowing an ugly purplish light to seep through from depths unknown.  Then something in front of the barbarian exploded, sending the party off their feet.  When they stood up again they were staring down the monstrous form of Diablo himself.

Snow Monkey squeezed the trigger of his Flamer, but being that he had used the last of his fuel, all it did was make an unusually audible clicking sound.

"You fools!  You think you can content with me with your toys?  Witness my power."  With a wave of his claw, Diablo ripped the countryside apart, pulling the entire Cathedral and its grounds down into Hell.

As then descended down the great chasm, Snow opened his cell phone and saw that he was roaming.  He sent a discrete text.

They landed on the very edge of Pandemonium, on the slopes that descend into Hell itself.  Magma flowed past them in rivers.  The stone beneath them was so hot to the touch that it seared the skin, the the foul air burned their lungs.  Black clouds of smoke and ash hung everywhere.

Above them, streaks of fire and light descended upon them.

"Are those Angels?" asked the Paladin.

"I don't think so," said Snow.

As the party collected itself, they saw great mountanous walls all around them, crawling with demons, and they in the center.

"There must be a hundred thousand demons here," said the Huntress.

The Barbarian sneered.  "More."

"I can't take another pounding like that," said Jade.

"We can't win this.  We are too depleted to fight Diablo himself, let alone this many on top of that.  Unless, dear stranger, you have another trick up your sleeve, this will be our last stand," said the Paladin.

Diablo approached, his host gathered behind them.  The party assembled into battle formation, but Snow Monkey broke ranks and approached the prime evil.

"Diablo!  If you ask very, very nicely, I will let you surrender.  You have to beg though."

Diablo opened his mouth to reply, but he was suddenly bathed in the plasma fire of the braking rockets of the drop pot that had descended to Hell all the way from low orbit.  A moment later the drop pods rockets cut and it fell on top of Diablo, thoroughly crushing his body into a purple slush.  On each wall there was an emblem:  a fist inside a circle, with the middle finger extended.  Before the pod was even settled into the ground, the release bolts exploded, sending the four walls of the drop pod falling away, revealing the Space Marines.

Immediately, a torrent of bullets streamed from the marines to the mass of enemies.

More drop pods descended around the Party in a circle, depositing more marines and two large war machines with feet, hands, and very, very large bolter guns.

Of all of the marines that had suddenly appeared, only three lacked helmets, and it was these three that approached the party.  Snow introduced them:  Force Commander Biff Becker, Librarian Lawrence Lee, and Brother-Captain Jason Webb, of the War Ninja Chapter of Space Marines.

"You are most welcome to join us, brother," said the Barbarian.

"We gladly join any fight against the forces of Chaos," said the Librarian.

As they spoke, Terminator squads teleported onto the field of battle, each squad leading a column of Space Marines into the fray.  The enemy was quickly driven back, demonflesh pierced by bullet and evaporated by plasma fire.

Lawrence tossed Snow a war hammer and Biff, Jason, Lawrence, Snow, and the Party joined the fighting at the front of the line, making sure the enemy melted like butter.

A column of Predator tanks arrived, escorting two Land Raiders full of Grey Knights, guest warriors renowned for their effectiveness against demons.

"This is just so...easy," said Snow.

"Don't...oh why would you said that," said Jason.

And it was then that the battle field was filled with flame from the sky.  It swooped down, engulfing the Terminators in flame, and then out of the flame, the dragon landed in a whirlwind of flying space marine bodies, reaching down and snapping up a Terminator from the party's honor guard, severing the marine's armor and body in half with its massive jaws.  The dragon looked at Snow--directly at Snow--with its evil, evil eyes, and then went for one of the Dreadnaughts, next, but the war machine punched it in the face and it recoiled.

The dragon screamed.

Snow looked at the dragon, and then looked back at the far cliffs, which were now crowded with Whirlwind Missile Launchers.  Snow looked back at the Dragon and gave it the finger.  The Pradators and Land Raiders aimed their guns at the fiery spectre.  Whether the beast showed any recognition no would could say, but there could be no doubt that it had by now realized that it was faced with 3 companies of the most lethal military force in the galaxy.

"All marines, all tanks, target the dragon," said Biff.  "Dreadnaughts move in and engage at point blank."




And then Snow felt a jolt through his entire body; a sort of smooth, rolling, warmth, that shook him awake.

"Snow what the hell?" said Aryssa.

"Did you just cum in your sleep?" asked Jade.

"Yes," said Snow.  "Yes I did."  He smiled.  "Whose ready for round two?"