[fiction] The Princess and the Dragon

The Princess and the Dragon, or, Don't Fuck with Dragons you Dumbass
A bedtime story.


A long time ago, a princess left home and was locked in a dungeon in a dark castle overlooking the cliffs.  The dark castle was owned by an evil sorcerer.

The king sent his best men against the castle.  The siege they laid lasted many months.  During this time they needed provisions, which they stole by raiding the stores of nearby villages.  Then they needed sex, which they stole by raping the nearby villagers.

The evil sorcerer brought forth a great dragon, with magnificent wings and sharp talons.  The dragon broke the siege and the army dropped their weapons and fled.  Those that could not run fast were either burned alive or mauled by the villagers, whose hearts had been poisoned against the king who sent the army.

The King called for help from nearby kingdoms, promising his daughter's hand in marriage to whoever could rescue her, because back then women, even princesses, were basically just property that men traded with each other.  I know, right?  Nobody ever talks about that shit.  Its ok though, because thousands of years later women would earn their equality through great struggle, and the extra bitter ones would call themselves feminists and basically act like doucebags all the time, in rememberance of this inequality, and that totally fixes everything.  But I digress.

Many men came forth.  Strong men.  Big men.  Loyal men brimming to the eyes with nationalism, and honor stuck firmly up their asses.  Clad in steel and self-righteousness, one by one they set out on white horses to fight the dragon and free the princess.

Unfortunately, when a 200 pound man covered in way too many pounds of steel encounters a 2400 pound best that is capable of flight and breathing fire, and when that beast is a light sleeper and has the demeanor of Wolverine, well, its kind of a punk ass bitch move to suggest the man would have any chance of "slaying" the dragon.  Most of the men ended up in a crumpled heap, their armor partially melted and fusing them into the painful positions in which they slowly died from third degree burns, while the dragon the ate the horse they rode in on.  Had the dragon realized that there were tasty soldier's inside the metal costumes, those soldiers would have endured a far quicker death.

Then one day, an engineer appeared at the dark castle.  He was but a mere apprentice during the siege.  He was in charge of the trebuchet handles, and its a little known fact that he later would possess quite the collection of trebuchet handles from wars all over the world.  Little handles, big handles, smooth handles, vibrating handles...he had quite the collection.

The engineer stopped his wagon short of the castle.  He then set up a fire pit, and removed some pigs, and cleaned and cooked them, using expensive spices that filled the air with a scent that could make the most satiated man hungry again.  When the pigs were cooked the man approached the castle.  The main gate was suddenly torn to shreds by a very hungry dragon.  The dragon stared at the engineer, eyes watering, nostrils flaring, and lips drooling.  The dragon was accustomed to incinerating his opponents immediately with a single blast, but such an attack would turn the delicious ham into tasteless ash.  The dragon watched as the engineer set the delicious ham down on the ground.  Then, to the dragon's surprise, the engineer turned his back to the dragon and walked away calmly.  The engineer wore not a shred of protective clothing.  The dragon ate the pigs as slowly as he could, savoring the suite taste of delicious ham, which was far better than the abused horse he'd become accustomed to.

The engineer was back the next day with more ham.  And then the next, with steak, which he provided to the dragon in the form of entire cows.  Then chickens, and then more pigs, and cows again, and on and on, all delivered with the most fragrant spices.  Within a month the dragon was literally eating out of the engineers hand, licking it gracefully in order to taste every last drop of delicious brown sugared pig grease.  Then the dragon would nuzzle the engineer playfully and go to sleep.

Then one day the engineer showed up clothed for battle, dressed in ninja tights and armed with a crossbow and a 4 foot short sword.  The engineer cooked seven fatass cows in delicious spices and then told the dragon he was going to storm the castle.  The dragon looked at the delicious steak in front of him, and then back up at the dark fortress that, as was typical, was standing against a backdrop of dark, purple clouds, with, like, some ravens circling overhead or whatever.  Then the dragon looked at the steak again.  The dragon shrugged and reached back with his foot, smashing the heavy door of the inner keep.  The engineer gave the dragon the cooked cows and entered the castle.

When he reached the top of the tower, he found the princess riding the evil sorcerer vigorously in the reverse cowgirl position.

The evil sorcerer was quite vexed and tried to kill the engineer, who ran back down to the bottom of the tower and escaped by riding the dragon.  Up, up and away they flew, the engineer clinging to its pearly smooth scales.  At about three thousand feet they turned and prepared to dive flame the sorcerer, who was standing around in his smashed castle yelling shit and generally being a little bitch considering he was the only person in the situation who was regularly fucking a beautiful princess.

It was the moment before they dived, though, that the engineer looked out over the water, and down along the coast, and the tiny insignificant waves smashing against toy like cliffs., that he realized how ridiculously awesome flying was, and set off for parts unknown with his new winged friend.  Later, the dragon would show the engineer that simply having a fire-breathing, flying lizard for a friend would get him about a million times more pussy than rescuing one princess.

Oh and he fell in love and made babies in stuff.  It was really cute and romantic, etc.

The End

Epilogue:  later the dragon would discover that he, too, had a talent for cooking delicious meets, and after moving into a farm whose previous owners had mysteriously just been eaten, the engineer and dragon opened an amazing BBQ Tavern known in every corner of the world for its amazing food.