Cop: "...any other medical conditions?"
Me: "I have an undiagnosed heart condition."
Cop: "Do you know what it is?"
Tonight I just popped my sobriety test cherry. I was out in Ballard having a few (actually it was technically a couple) drinks with nice girl and her friends, one of which who is crazy. We made out for a few seconds and then I was in my car. Checked the time against the number of drinks that I had, and I was good to go. No need to go hang out in the cupcake store for an hour like last time.
On my way home I got a sweet ass opportunity to take a right-on-red (using the sliding Philly stop) and then really punch it going up the ramp to a bridge that was designed by people trying to kill you. Tailed a bus for a while, because it was taking up both of the fucking lanes, then it got out of the way and I punched it again. Then there were flashy lights. Before I've written about feeling nothing when getting pulled over. I might have been lying then, because this time I really felt nothing. And I was kind of expecting it. I think once you stop and think about it, and you tell yourself "yeah, I'd rather not hate my life, and get lots of tickets, than actually drive that fucking slow" you basically just accept that you'll be pulled over a lot, and it becomes a thing you expect, like catching cold in the winter or using up all the toothpaste. Sure, you can do your best to play cat and mouse games with the cops, but lots of cop cars don't have rack lights, and I suspect they often don't use any real mechanism to track your speed beyond eyeballing it, and I still have not invented the night-visioned rear-facing cam attachment to scan for cop cars.
Anyway, this time the guy asked for my license and insurance and did not ask for my registration. I don't know what the fuck is up with the cops here; they never ask for all three. I don't even remember how fast he said I was going. I heard him say the speed limit was 40, which, honestly, that speed is only suitable for parking lots--and then I kind of silently ignored the rest.
Then he came back and made me step out of the car and I got to take a fun sobriety test. I've watched videos online about what to do in this situation, and they make a big deal out of locking the door when you get out. I learned two things: 1. it kind of doesn't matter when the damn window is open and you know the cop will freak out if you turn the car on to roll the window up. Also 2. the cop did not care that I locked my car. No reaction. It was completely unlike the video. I'm pretty sure, now, that half of the things I've been training to do in the event of a traffic stop are only applicable to people that have weed in their car.
I almost refused the sobriety test, however, I don't have the number for my traffic lawyer in my phone, and she's not "my lawyer" in the sense that I can call her at midnight on a Saturday, and I was pretty sure telling him to cut the foreplay and give me the breathalyzer would have involved a trip to the police station, and my driver's side window was rolled all the way down. So I just did it. Possibly not the best move legally...consult with your lawyer.
It was quite chilly. We did the alphabet. Oh, we also did a fun list of medications. I told him I took acetaminophen -- not even trying to be a dick. It was clear from the way he wrote it on the pad, though, that he was unfamiliar with the technical name for tylenol. Anyway. Alphabet. Some gay walking thing. There was a nose touching thing with your eyes closed. I kind of forget the rest. The scariest part was when he told me to stand with my feet together, and said I'd have to be like that the rest of the test. I immediately became concerned since I have a history of passing out after standing in that position for too long but...it was fine. What else. Oh yeah. Close your eyes and try to estimate 30 seconds, and then open your eyes and explain how you arrived at your estimate. That one was actually fun; it was like an interview question. Except that I was pissed that he could even think I was drunk after probably witnessing my awesome entrance onto the highway. Seriously. I'm kind of amazing. He should have seen that and been like "wow there's no way this guy could be drunk; he executed that curve so beautifully. I should phone my kids about his amazing driving."
So, whatevs. He gave me a warning. Never gotten one of those. They write stuff on the piece of paper and give it to you as if it was a ticket. I looked, and did not find a speed, or a method of ascertaining speed, so this traffic stop didn't really offer much useful information. Either he paced me, or it was radar. I'm hesitant to get a radar detector; I believe they give you a false sense of security. I am grateful though that it was only a warning because I am currently in the process of fighting a ticket already. I would like to fight one at a time. I calculated it out, and at the rate I get tickets, saving $25 will mostly nullify the lawyers fees.
Oh, and just in case it wasn't perfectly clear: I was completely sober when I drove. That's actually standard operating procedure for me, especially when I am in the vicinity of Cupcake Royale.
Then he ruined my night by going in the same direction as me for half of the way home. Tonight I learned that cruise control actually does work at 38 mph. No one should ever be going 38 mph, unless they are on their way to 90. Or they are driving a tank.
If I had to be perfectly honest, there may have been some slight jerking when my turbo kicked in. I still don't have that down perfect when I floor it in a turn. Probably never will at the rate I'm practicing. Seriously though I think my car is a cop magnet.
Also, to be more perfectly* honest, sometimes I see a cop and feel a small, very small, twinge of disappointment when he doesn't pull out after me. I don't want to speak to hastily about what we'll probably do for my mid-life crisis, but expect to see me on the news.
So, here are some tips on dealing with cops:
1. Always drive sober. That way, you have an ace in your sleeve because you know if they give you a breathalyzer, you win. Except don't accept road breathalyzers, or something. I forget what I read about that. However, remember that being innocent does not magically protect you from getting in trouble with the law.
2. When they ask where you are coming from, name the town, not the specific venue.
3. If they ask how much you had to drink, say "I'm not answering that question."
4. If they try to trick you into incriminated yourself, such as saying "when that guy pulled out in front of you, you moved to the left lane and just took off. Why'd you do that?" you can actually just not respond. Its super awkward, but effective (this one is actually not from tonight).
5. Possibly don't roll your window down all the way? This has no practical value to people like me but I might try this next time, mostly because it is extremely unsatisfying to lock your car when someone can reach in and unlock it.
[Edit]
possible next mosaic: Krauterbuchs (SWEET name)
See also: Yorck Project
*if that phrase is good enough for the constitution, its good enough for this blog
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