How to read an email from upper management

Translation in [red]:

I mentioned this at the recent all-hands, but it’s now official. We’re [giving you almost no notice that we are forcing you to move to some building in the middle of nowhere temporarily, which should screw up all your commutes, before the actual move that you've been planning for]. I’m happy that [meaningless statement] ahead of our [there will be cake].

Now that we know where we’ll be, your managers and space administrators will be putting together the specifics for [how to bend over].

Basic details:
• Timing – [we're giving you like no warning]
• [we are too cheap to figure out how to properly fit your team anywhere]
• The Space Administrators will send details on [we're gonna need to move your desk downstairs into Storage B....]

Once we all get moved into PAC, [there will be cake]

I thank you for [resistance is futile]. Ultimately we end up in [there will be cake]. So if you have any extra energy to spend thinking about this stuff, then [it would great if you could get a can of pesticide and take care of the cockroach problem we've been having...]

I would prefer if all of those manager people would state the facts clearly, for example, saying "there is nothing you can do about this" instead of "thank you for your flexibility!" because the first one doesn't give me the urge to punch someone in the face.